And then there are days like today..

Been doing pretty good...work keeps me busy & there isn't time for me to think about how broken my body is. I've started looking forward to our next IVF cycle (not sure when it will be) & for the most part, I am "over" IVF #1.

Then there are days like today. I went for a run this morning & along the way ran into 3 women, happily walking and pushing their babies in strollers. They were laughing & talking & seemed to be so happy. I lost all motivation to finish my run & walked the 2 miles back home :(

Days like today suck...I hate feeling so hopeless and helpless. The worst part is there is no end in sight.

Starting fresh

If only we could....

Tomorrow is the start of a new month & I am going to try to "start fresh." Obviously, there are some things that I just can't change, but luckily my outlook isn't one of those things!

I haven't gone to the gym in over a month...and I can definitely tell. My energy level is at an all time low and my thighs have a little more jiggle than normal. I also stopped taking my prenatal vitamins the day I got my BFN (take THAT pregnancy Gods!)...and my nails are already more brittle! I also haven't been eating too healthy, which is evident when you see the twenty or so pimples that now call my face home.

So, starting tomorrow, I am going to get back on the wagon. I am excited to start to the gym again. I do plan to call my doc this week and find out how much I should limit my workouts (there was a study done that showed women who "worked out" had less success with IVF & I want to see what his take on this is). Exercising has always been a great stress-reliever for me & Lord knows I can use all of the stress-relief I can get (can't we all?!?).

I will also pick up my refill for my prenatals...because even though my body may not know it right now, one day it will need all of the nutrients it can get. Plus, I love what they do for my hair & nails!!!

And....I plan to start back on my healthy eating! This shouldn't be hard considering that I hardly have time during the day to eat at all! I will be sure to take lots of fruits & veggies with me to work and try to fix a decent dinner when I get home (bye, bye Ramen).

I realize that when we do start our next IVF I need to be in the best physical & mental state as possible. So, why not start getting ready now? Besides, doing something positive for myself might counter all of the negative thoughts that I have been having.

I am also going to try to focus on the future & not re-play the past few weeks over & over again in my head. I have to trust that all things happen in time...and be patient.

I probably won't be updating this blog too often, mainly because there won't be much babymakin' going on for a while! And there are only so many times and ways that I can explain how disappointed I am!!! Anyway, most of you read my regular (not the "I'm trying unsuccessfully to have a baby") blog ~ which I do update frequently, & if you don't but would like to...email me at babymakin101@gmail.com & I will send you the link!

I really do appreciate all of the support we have been given...and I look forward to one day sharing happy news with all of you!!!!

Warning: Depressing post ahead

Before our IVF cycle...I thought of myself as someone who was just having a hard time getting pregnant. Although I knew that it was highly unlikely for IVF to work (the first time anyway), I told myself that we would be on the right side of the statistic and that in April I would add the title mommy to my resume. I couldn't wait to tell others who are going thru something similar about our story & encourage them that they, too, could be successful on their first time around. I looked forward to the day when I could stop considering my body to be broken.

Unfortunately though...none of this will be happening anytime soon. I no longer think of myself as someone who is "just having a hard time getting pregnant" ~ I know, without uncertainty, that I am infertile. (Just writing that stings) For once in my life, I am in the majority...yup 60% of women don't get pregnant when using IVF. Leave it to me to finally be in the majority at the most unfortunate time. There will be no happy success stories...not from me and not now, anyway. And...my body is definitely still broken. Perhaps into more pieces than we first realized.

Stupid me had even put a star on September 3rd in my day planner...had IVF #1 worked, that would have been the date of my first ultrasound. Instead, it will be just another day. I no longer have to worry about leaving my job early on maternity leave. I definitely don't have to worry about going into labor before Q comes home.

Instead of obsessing over every little flutter in my belly and cute baby clothes...now I can spend every minute of the day thinking about what could have been.

I will meet with the doctor later this month to talk about what we will do different next time...and even though next time is a long time away, I'm already dreading the possible heartbreak.

I'm Back!

So, did you know that a person can go through the five stages of grief in two weeks?!? Yeah, me neither...but I learned from experience that you can.

Before I go any further with this post blog though, I have to thank all of you for the wonderful words of support that you gave after my BFN. Even though nothing could make me feel better...your kind words did offer some soothing!

Ok, so if you've never heard of the five stages of grief and loss (the only reason I know about them is because I once taught high school health)...they are: denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. A person who suffers some type of loss (can be ANY kind of loss) goes through these steps, but not necessarily in this order.

From the moment we transferred our three embies, I started through this process. I had a gut feeling (you know what Oprah says about gut feelings, right) that this cycle wasn't going to work from the moment the doc showed me the embies on the ultrasound screen. I'm sure all people going through IVF have these moments of doubt....but, I have to say, mine was constant. Even though I tried to think positive...I just knew.

Even though I felt that our little embies wouldn't be viable, I tried to deny my feelings....and tried to talk myself into believing that it was actually going to work. I knew (can't explain it any other way) though that we wouldn't be bringing home a baby in April.

This realization caused me to be angry. Angry at the doctor for "not getting me pregnant"....angry at myself for thinking it might actually work....angry at every pregnant woman I walked by for no good reason. Yup...I was quite bitter. And this anger only intensified after I had two blood tests in one week and was told not once, but twice, that I was not pregnant (seriously, can the process be any more cruel?).

But, I do have to admit that I did try to negotiate with God throughout this whole process...apparently my bargaining skills suck. I've written about negotiating with God before & yes, I know, it doesn't work...but desperate times call for desperate measures. I promised everything under the sun...if this would just work. What I failed to understand then, and see so clearly now, is that God's plan for us can not be manipulated by measly promises.

Then, as most of you know...I was depressed. Since I had been preparing myself for the worst for the two weeks preceding my blood test...I wasn't depressed initially. Disappointed - yes; depressed no. But, the depression did kick in. While I have been depressed before...this depression was different. It was a mixture of utter sadness and complete helplessness. I couldn't stop thinking that this just might NEVER work. I replayed every day of my cycle - wondering if I did something wrong. And then at night I couldn't help but to think about Q and how I had let him down. Silly, I know...but most people don't think rationally when they are in a rut.

Finally came acceptance, which is where I am now (most of the time anyway). I know that for whatever reason it was not time for us to have a baby. Maybe it's because Q is so far away & wouldn't be for most of the pregnancy, maybe it's because I am just starting a new job, and maybe it's for a reason that I can not even see right now. But, I can accept that it just wasn't meant to be. I know that one day we will have a child. When and how I am not sure of...but I do know that one day I will be called mommy.

Negative

I'm not pregnant.

Anxious, Nervous, Excited & Scared

That's how I feel. Tomorrow at this time, I will either be THE happiest woman in the world (or at least in North Carolina) or one of the saddest! I am so ready just to know whether our little embryos survived. This is when I miss Q the most. I really underestimated how much I would want him here for emotional support. I keep thinking that if we get bad news then being able to cuddle with him tomorrow night would make it hurt a little less....I am so lucky to have him! He's been wonderful through this entire process. I know it must be hard for him to feel so removed from something soooo big! I know that no matter what happens tomorrow, I am blessed & that if not in 9 months, we will have the family we both want.

I am trying to stay positive...have said a million prayers...and have gone through every possible scenario in my head. Yup ~ I am just ready to know. I am ready to move forward...whatever that means. I am ready to stop driving you all nuts with my constant worrying & complaining!

I am thankful that I start working tomorrow...otherwise, I would be a complete wreck waiting for the results! I will update as soon as I find out. And as I've said many times before ~ THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!!!!!!

I've had better days

Not feeling too positive...

I am just ready for Wednesday to be here & to know for sure whether this IVF worked or not. I am trying to think good thoughts (i.e. it's not a matter of if, it's just a matter of how many), but it's so hard! All I keep thinking about is the fact that I have only a 40% chance of it working...the low quality of the embryos...and all of the women I know who have had multiple failed IVF's.

This is when I wish I didn't know so much. I wish I was ignorant to the nitty gritty details of IVF (like one of the girls who I cycled with). But, I know way too many women who've been thru it & I read way too much on the internet (which we've already determined is not a good thing) ~ so it's hard for me to see through rose-colored glasses.

On the other hand, I know several people who've been successful ~ on their first try even! I've said it before & I will say it again...it just sucks to have NO control over the outcome. What's more...last year this time, having a baby was not something I was thinking about. Well, life has a way of twisting your plans upside down. Now a year later, I want this with all of my heart. I've loved our embryos from the moment they were created.

Q is extremely positive & supportive. I feel bad that he has to deal with all of this on top of his current situation! He keeps reminding me that if this cycle doesn't work, we will try again. That comforts me, but then the negative thoughts creep into my head...what if it NEVER works? I know...I'm a negative Nancy! It's a defense mechanism I have mastered!

So.....I say all of this to say I have my beta Wednesday morning. That is also my first day of work, so I am going to tell the nurse that I don't want her to call with my results, rather I will call her when I get off (probably not a good idea to be blubberin' mess on the first day of a new job!). Hopefully I will have wonderful news to post...but, I am prepared for the worst ~ at least today I am.

I am soooo thankful for all of the prayers & support that we have been given. I know so many people who go thru this completely alone, and I can't imagine not having my support system. Someone told me today that God is getting so many prayers about this that he is probably annoyed! Too funny :)

On the other hand...I have decided that should this IVF be successful ~ the moment my child(ren) starts to complain about something ~ I will promptly remind him/her about the worry they caused me from the moment they were created! That oughta hush 'em up! :)

Until Wednesday....ciao! :)